I was stumped.
I tried really hard to think of something, and the best I could come up with was that Thing Two sometimes says "mooster" instead of "booster" when referring to her new booster seat. I can think of a few other funny mispronunciations, but funny actions or activities? I'm still drawing a blank. I don't usually find them funny, and I don't usually enjoy them.
Today things went a step beyond "not enjoying" them, and I had an interesting realization while fuming at the kitchen table:
I hate the girls because they are a joyless approximation of the family I wish we had.
For those of you who don't know the background on this, here is the super short summary. Luke and I have been in the process of adopting from Kyrgyzstan since April 12, 2008. The process moved along swimmingly. We were matched with a sibling group and began preparing paperwork and rooms for their homecoming. Shortly after that, the the Government of Kyrgyzstan decided to restructure their entire adoption program and leave us in adoption limbo. We are still in adoption limbo, and it sucks.
In September of 2009, we got news that some relatives needed a temporary home for some of their children while they got some issues sorted out. Because of the adoption, we had rooms, toys, and clothes ready. We let the relatives know, and a week or so later I flew out to pick up Thing One (then 35mos) and Thing Two (22mos). We've had them for almost 6 months now, and there is no realistic idea of when they will go back.
I am not really happy about any of this. I want to go hide in my computer and never come out. I don't feel blessed by God to have the girls with us, although I believe wholeheartedly that He placed them here.
Having them now feels more like a slap in the face. They are not my family. The three in Kyrgyzstan (hopefully) are my family, but they aren't here. Why not? God only knows, and He's not talking.
So my life is like a game: I play the mom, Luke plays the dad, and the kids play our kids. Only this game doesn't end, it isn't fun, and I'm not winning. I don't want to play anymore, and it makes me very very grumpy.
The girls are a daily reminder of what our pretend family doesn't have: lasting bonds, affection for each other, and fun. It is hollow. We can look pretty convincing on the outside, but there is no substance. Peel away the "pretend" and all you have is and brooding dissatisfaction and short tempers.
I can see in myself a whole string of unhealthy behaviors spawned from this angst and desperation, and I'm sure the girls are acting it out too. It is frustrating.
I never wake up in the morning happy to see them, and I frequently have to force myself into a good attitude to survive breakfast. They are even good kids, which makes the whole thing so much worse.
I don't want it to be this way.
Where is the blessing? Where is the joy? Where is the satisfaction of doing what God has placed before me? Where is the God who smiled at my dad when he prayed so many years ago, and why won't He smile at me?
I don't doubt God's hand in the adoption or the girls living with us, nor do I question His timing (as much as I sometimes don't like it). But I do question my status as more then a casualty of His plans for everyone else. Isn't it supposed to be a privilege to do the work of God?
Do I just need to flog my emotions into alignment with the fact that we are "doing a good thing" and "God loves us?"
I want to walk in the way God has called me, but I expect to find satisfaction there. Maybe that too is just a dream I get to watch die.
12 comments:
Here you were probably hoping that your children would have learnt English and acclimated reasonably well in time for the "S" company shindig coming up. That was my prayer, too! I don't know why God didn't answer it!
I don't know why He lets people do stupid stuff, and why He lets wars happen, and why people keep having to die... I guess it wouldn't be so glaringly unjust if we didn't see examples of OTHER people getting wayyyy more blessed than we are. (Honestly? Often people who don't deserve squat, and then they go get self-righteous because of what they have or did.)
I wouldn't say my situation is "as bad" as yours, but "different." My three-year-old is nonverbal almost entirely. We keep working, and getting nowhere, and he keeps getting older. People would always say oh suuuure, he'll just talk when he's ready. And a month goes by and another month and another month. No one wants to do the freakout and "big prayer" dance with me, if you know what I mean. I think others think I must be raising him funny, because the other kids are turning out odd, too. :P
Meanwhile, other kids wayyy smaller than Woodjie will come up and give full sentences. They can talk about FEELINGS, colours, numbers, and even "stuff that happened yesterday." I want to smack those kids!! And they're good kids!! It's just so stinkin' unfair as to be incredible.
And the moms... don't get me started. They're all 'put together' and don't get my pain because GUESS WHAT. They don't want to. Maybe I shouldn't blame them.
Do you know how hard it is to really, really pray for someone? Your heart breaks when their dreams are deferred.
Oh, Brittany, my heart is so broken for you and Luke and has been for some time. I just never know what to say... sometimes I want to check in and go, "How's it going? thinking of you," but then I think it would be hurtful coming from a lady with SIX kids, asking about your children. But I keep thinking about them...
They are getting a month older, and a month older, and a month older. It's just not right what is happening to them, and there is no way they can understand.
You send me a message on facebook when you are ready and name a date. I will fast and pray with you. I don't know what else to do, but anything I can do, let me know.
Mrs. C, you're awesome.
~Luke
Luke, you are, too. Keep loving that wife of yours, and God bless you both very richly and see you through... wherever you are going.
I think the 'living in limbo' is the thing that is really the most challenging for you at the moment. We have been living 'in limbo' for three years now and it is a constant challenge for me. My only advise would be to try and treasure this time and lean hard on the Lord. A friend reminded me recently that we need to die to self daily. It's tough, I know. I am so impressed that you guys are helping out with these sweet little ones and I'm thankful they're with you and not in foster care. Yikes! I've heard some scary things about that from a social worker recently. Doing God's will is often a very difficult task. Warmly, Tammy
I pray for the safety and uniting of you guys with your family from so far away.
I want to say something to help, but I'm afraid that it will come across badly. I'm going to try anyway though, because I really feel moved to share this thought.
I wonder if you could stop "playing" at being family with the children in your home, and just BE family with them. Every day we don't know how long we will have our loved ones, so it's really the same situation with these two "borrowed" children. It just so happens that you're more aware of that fragile state of permanency. I know that it's going to hurt when these two babies head off back home, whenever that might be; but you all would probably be happier if you could live today.
Again, I hope that this doesn't come across harsh or invasive. I am just always trying to remind myself that there are more than enough worries today that I don't need to worry about the future.
Peace.
Life would just be so much easier to handle if God would communicate a bit more with us, wouldn't it? Sure, we have the bible and the Holy Spirit, but I could certainly use a fax or email now and then to tell me what's up and what is expected of me!
I'm so sorry, Brittany. Our adoption was relatively painless, but it was still enough to send me into near daily paroxysms. I cannot imagine being in your situation. You have my heartfelt grief and prayer. I often think about and pray for the status of your little ones, so know that they are not forgotten. You let me know when you and Mrs. C are fasting and praying, and I'll be there right with you. It breaks my heart to think of children being kept from their forever families over regulations (which are generally pretty stupid in my experience).
I'll also be praying that your heart will soften towards the little ones in your care now. I understand why it's hard on you, and I admire you not only for stepping up to the plate to help them out, but also for having the bravery to speak up when you are having problems. May God wrap his loving arms around you and comfort and heal your heart. Blessings and hugs!
I can relate to your feelings... we had a foster son for a year before we had our own kids. He filled my need to have a child in my life at the time, and we filled his need to be parented, but many days I still felt resentment-- toward the innocent first grader who was not my own, toward his mother who voluntarily placed him in foster care so she could do her own thing-- it got worse when we found out we were expecting our first child, because then he felt like a threat to my own. For me it was the "Ishmael syndrome." (Sarah will never be criticized by me anymore.) I wanted my child, not someone else's. I felt so mean and ugly I wondered if I was meant to be a mom at all.
But you know what? That foster son (who still keeps in touch, 15 years later) taught us a lot about parenting. Some things I can pinpoint and say, 'that one frustration specifically helped us deal with x behavior in our own child later on.' Other things helped more generally. It was a definite trial by fire, but maybe if you can look at this experience as a preparation for things that your more fragile children will need help with later on (you won't want to learn everything on the job with them) you can see that God has given you a gift that will bless your future children. And please know that even on your worst days you are blessing the ones now in your care.
Please know first that I don't know you. I only know part of your story and I am not trying to judge you. Your post "Bad, Bad Day" struck a nerve with me because I have been and still am there alot. I too, have been in that adoption limbo. It did finally go through, but let me tell you, the fantasy I had about this child I was adopting (instant love, happy forever family) was a fantasy. I am not telling you to discourage you. I have meant on the internet lots of folks who had adopted and had all of these tear jerking love affairs with their new families but a lot of them had exactly the experience you are describing with the children in your home now.
Sometimes, I wake up and think exactly what you describe happening at your house now, but if you listen, you will also hear a whisper-Do not be weary in well doing. The saying, bloom where you're planted is for us.
When and if you get these other children you hope to adopt, you may feel the same way you do now. Hopefully not, but NOW is your battleground.
Be honest with yourself and take a big step back. It is time, after 6 months, to take a few steps:
either demand that the parents of these children take responsibility for them or file some kind of legal guardianship to protect them and you.
I had placed in my home a 7 month old and 19 month old once and it was very hard living not knowing if they where leaving or going anytime. You are doing a good thing but it sounds like it is fast becoming a bad thing. Maybe it is the uncertainity that is keeping you from wholly giving yourself to these kids.
Like I said, I don't know the situation but think about it.
Could you let your 1 year old and 2 year old go live with someone that long? God has placed them with you but it is time to move forward with it. If they were gone tomorrow I'm betting you would grieve them.
If keeping them is not a possibility, then they need reunited with their families. The longer they stay with you, the more they look at you as their mother.
I am getting the indication that they are somehow related to you, so you should probably be able to keep in touch with them if they leave. When I finally was able to adopt, I was filled with so much love but it was not really for my child but the thought of her. I had to get to know her and visa versa. I think, unless you get them new born, which is usually not the case overseas, you forget that they are already their own people with their own experiences.
The two I mentioned that came temporarily to my house are now 7 and 8 and are my children. My daughter adopted overseas is 13 now and came to me at 1. It has been a struggle and alot more now as she gets older. I love them all and sometimes forget that I didn't have them but sometimes I feel just like you. I spend a lot of time on my knees feeling like a failure for not knowing all the answers or feeling like I think I should. Then I think, 'where would they be without me and where would I be without them?'
All children are really only on loan to us anyway. Everyday is a gift opened, used and never to be given back.
I won't give you advice, just share what God is showing me because I know in your heart you already know. God IS smiling on you.
ps. please quit "Thing One and Thing Two" they are Person One and Person Two unless we are talking about pets and I completely missed it.
My mother reminded me of this quote from Corrie ten Boom's "The Hiding Place" :
"Even as the angry vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him... Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me your forgiveness... And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives along with the command, the love itself."
It's the same with love; when you don't have any love for someone within yourself, you have to ask God to give you His love for them.
My heart goes out to you. Especially where you said: "But I do question my status as more then a casualty of His plans for everyone else." That is really well put and describes quite well my feelings back in 2009 when we lost two unborn children. We saw God perform miracles for people in our church while we were left empty handed, with broken hearts. While I can say that I have come through that and still trust my Savior (after a time of real doubt), it doesn't take away the heartache. So I won't offer any advice, (I don't really have any), I can just say that I weep with you and will pray for you, Luke and those children.
Thanks for sharing so honestly.
~Ann
Brittany. I understand. Don't think too harshly about yourself. I have days as well. I dont even have to added "ugh" of waiting on an adoption. What I DO have is 3 boys. One is a new teenager who I would like to strangle on a regular basis. One is dev. delay with no real diagnosis (thanks you, medical community), and one is a nearly 7 y.o. who is surely ADHD. I want to scream regularly...and do sometimes. I get up and cant make it thru breakfast w/o faking it. I have no advice for you other than spend as much time on you knees in prayer as you can. Spend time reading the Bible ( A LOT), praying scripture (Elmer Towns has some good books on that one is "Praying the 23rd Psalm" or something like that), and maybe scrape some time together to go to a Bible study with other parents? foster parents? (might be a better match)I dont know. I do knw I'll add you on my prayer list if you will add me to yours. ;) Hang in there and know you are not alone. Lovin you. Julie
I don't have any advice... and I can't even relate to your situation, having never adopted nor fostered.
However, I just wanted to say that I especially appreciated the wisdom of both Jeanne and Momamia475.
And I do hope you have real-life support for your situation, and that there are those who are counselling you and helping you in other ways during this tough time.
My pastor has a saying: If you don't quit, you win. :)
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